i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
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I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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