dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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