You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
