I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
