I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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