i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Sober January is a disaster.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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