I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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