Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
