just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
