i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
