I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
