Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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