It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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