your parents love me but you hate me
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We talked him into tasing himself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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