everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
