My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub