a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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