Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!