I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize