He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
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I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.