and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
