nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
