Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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