Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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