Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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