i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
