Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
