I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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