The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I need moral support for this bender
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
