Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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