rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
