did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
