Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
