He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
