doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want nice things and good sex
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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