2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
