we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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