I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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