genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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