Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
