3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
