so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
