How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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