dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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