Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
