I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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