I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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