If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everclear isn't food dammit
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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