I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.