a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30