we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
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Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.