My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero