Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
