Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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