please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
