She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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