Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
