the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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