I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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