This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
