ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
