During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
