I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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