Buhtt sex?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
