just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
