I'm so fucking centered right now
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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