my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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